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I
know this is an unpleasant subject, but it is a fact of life…and most
people do not know what to do or say when someone’s loved dies. Here is
some proper etiquette from
www.freitagfuneralhome.com/publications/funeraletiquette.htm
A Condolence Visit to the Home
If
you have an intimate relationship, you may go to the home of the
mourner to offer sympathy and ask if you can render any service, like
cook a meal, make phone calls, watch children, answer the door. You can
do the same thing on the phone or at the funeral home.
If you go to the home, only stay about 15 minutes, unless you are doing something in the house for them.
What should I say?
Express
your sympathy. Say kind words about the deceased if you knew them. Let
the mourner talk if they like. They may not be looking for an answer.
They may just need to talk. Offer them a warm hug or a sympathetic, “I
understand.”
What shouldn’t I say?
Don’t ask the cause of death. If the family wants to, they can bring it up.
Don’t give advice.
Don’t
make comments that would diminish the importance of the loss. Comments
such as “You are young, you’ll marry again,” or “he was suffering so
much, death is a blessing” or “I’ve been through this myself” are not
comforting to the bereaved.
At the Visitation
Upon
arrival, go to the family, and express your sympathy with an embrace or
by offering your hands. Don’t feel as though you must avoid talking
about the person who has died. Talking can help the grieving process.
Offer a simple statement of condolence, such as “I’m so sorry. My
sympathy to you and your family,” or “Your grandmother was a fine
person. She will be missed by many.”
If you were an acquaintance
of the deceased and not well-known to the family, introduce yourself.
You may say something like, “Hello, we have not met, but George and I
worked together. My name is Ron Smith.”
Viewing the deceased is not mandatory, but if the family offers you to view the body, do so out of respect.
Always enter your name in the register book. Sign your whole name legibly.
After
you have spoken to the family, you may engage in quiet conversation
with people. Your presence will mean a lot to the family. If prayers
are being offered, do not leave while prayer is taking place.
Gifts for the Family
Flowers are welcome at the funeral home or to the house. Flowers to the home may be sent before or after the funeral.
Food
is a most welcome gift. Bring dishes that require little preparation
besides heating up. Cookies and other easy to serve things will be good
for visitors who stop by.
Bringing children a book or quiet toy will help the children during this difficult time.
Give of your time – volunteer to watch children, take care of pets, vacuum the house, run errands.
Money is not an appropriate gift, unless the family is experiencing extreme financial difficulty.
What is Appropriate Dress?
Black
is not required today for the visitation or the funeral. Dress in a way
to show respect. Conservative clothing is appropriate. Children should
wear better clothes, such as something they might wear to church. The
most important thing is to attend, not how you are dressed.
After the Funeral
Drop
a note or make a phone call on a regular basis after the funeral.
Include them in your social plans. They will let you know when they are
ready to participate. Also, remember the family on special occasions
during the first year of bereavement. Send a note to a widow or widower
on his or her wedding anniversary, or a phone call on the birthday of
the deceased will be greatly appreciated.
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