Spring Showers, Eh...?
March 2009
This
month, I have no season-appropriate sayings or parallels; no analogies
to coincide with a current holiday, and no particularly humorous theme.
There are times when I feel like I am drier than the Gobi desert –
emotionally, spiritually, creatively…and apparently even physically….my
hands and legs have been chalky since October despite consistent
application of creams and plenty of water.
Perhaps it has
something to do with spring fever, the tiredness with the cold and
salty winter, or the decisions that must be made on a daily basis to
continue in a life that is pleasing to God. I am just worn out by all
of it sometimes (and then I feel guilty for getting worn out because I
am supposed to want to please Him), and I have been really hit by some
troublesome questions these past few weeks. So this is me being REALLY
real, folks…
Perhaps you can sympathize with one or all of the following statements/questions:
1)
Why can’t God just tell me exactly what I’m supposed to do all the
time? Better yet, why can’t I just listen all the time? Why do I always
have to be fighting for my own way or doing things with an unwilling
heart?
2) Is it possible that the reason I cannot hear His voice
is because I’m not even saved? How could I have
said/done/eaten/drunk/watched/listened to/participated
in/allowed/denied/argued that and even pretend like I want what God
wants?
3) Is there a point I crossed somewhere in my walk that I
went too far? Of course when we are unsaved, we have no knowledge of
the truth. All can be forgiven with true repentance…but after we’re
saved, is there a new standard?... one that I really screwed up
somewhere and that’s why I cannot feel like God is with me?
4)
If I am not walking in faith concerning any of these issues, but I am
convinced that Jesus was God’s Son and died for me, is it still okay
for me to participate in communion or will I drink damnation unto
myself? Am I even more devilish if I pass it up?
5) How can I
appreciate the good and overlook flaws in other so easily and be so
hard on myself that I can’t even fight the disappointment I feel in who
I am? I had potential, but do I still have potential? Have I thrown
away all the rewards that I could have acquired by staying on the path
like I should have?
6) Does anyone have any chocolate around here?
Whew,
I know…pretty obscure and weighty brain fare (minus question #6). At
this point, you are either thinking, “I am so glad I am not the only
one who has ever thought that way! I thought I was so bizarre…” or
else, “This girl needs some serious intervention…” But I’ll risk
it…I’ll put it out there for those few of you who can relate.
Sometimes
I fool myself into believing I’m the only one who is having a hard
time, and the only one with a suspicious and scrupulous enough mind to
come up with these wacky things. So instead of talking it out, I tend
to isolate myself. I figure people will give me pat answers and try to
pray me through things and call me on the phone all the time to make
sure I’m ok and sometimes I feel like I’d just rather fight it myself
than contaminate everyone around me.
But then a friend will
come along who is relentless…stubbornly concerned for my future and not
just my feelings. And they don’t have to answer every question in
perfect exegetical fashion, applying pragmatic principles and mending
paradoxes. They don’t have to break down a verse for me word-by-word,
explaining to me in detail every bit of what it could possibly mean.
Sometimes they just have to remind me of the basics – “You are so
loved. It has nothing to do with who you are. It has everything to do
with what Jesus did. You are so cherished. You can’t earn anything
from Him. God never gives up on you. You only fail when you stop
trying.” Sometimes they just have to put their hand on my back and read
me a Psalm in a kind voice, giving me no chance to dwell on the pain
but only to listen to the truth.
When you have a dry mouth,
you don’t feast on crackers and sand. Being dry is a sign of thirst.
And when you have no strength or desire to run to the water, thank God
for the friends who will bring it to you.
~
Ecclesiastes 4:9 – (NIV)
Two
are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor.
For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is
alone when he falls for he has no one to help him up.
Proverbs 17:17 – (NIV)
A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.
Isaiah 41:17 – (KJV)
As
the poor and needy seek water, and there is none, and their tongue
faileth for thirst, I the LORD will hear them, I the God of Israel will
not forsake them.
By Jennifer Yakopin