Real Questions / Real Answers

You texted in your questions at our Women of Influence meeting April 22,
but we did not have time to answer them all. Here are some answers for you.

In the context of a friendship/loving relationship can you explain the difference between asking for what I want/prefer versus being a nag?

The difference is that a nag keeps asking. You can state to someone what you prefer, but that does not mean it will go that way. State it once, then you will not be a nag.

Over the years I am sure you have counseled a lot of married women who have experienced sexual abuse in their past. As a single person I feel like I am all healed and doing great because I renew my mind and don’t dwell on the past but I sometimes worry that when I get married something might come up. How did the people that you ministered to become totally free to love their spouse without fear?

It is so good that you have had the opportunity to renew your mind in this area before you get married, but the real tests will come after you get married. The pictures and insecurities will attempt to play in your mind in a big way. You will have to continually meditate on the verses that have gotten you this far. You must remember that your husband loves you and his sexual attempts toward you are because of that. He is not in your life to abuse you. When you engage in sexual activity with your husband, you will have to talk to yourself at times about these very things. This is just a short synopsis. When the time comes I will be happy to talk to you and if you like to talk to some ladies who are making it through.

It seems like you always get so much accomplished and you are so detailed. Can you share with us your thought process or how you strategize to get things done on a daily basis?

It is nice that you think that I am a detailed person, but I am not. I work hard at trying to do things better. I watch what people who are more detailed than me do. I talk myself through projects to finish them. I try not to do things that are real complicated. I like things nice, but simple. The biggest thought that helps me get a lot done is 1 Cor. 9:6-8. I think of my giving in all areas of my life, not just financially. My desire is to sow bountifully toward others and that I do things for them cheerfully, promptly and that with my heart , not reluctantly or out of compulsion. As a result, I see God make all grace and every earthly blessing abound to me. He gives me the grace to get things done and gives me the ideas for them. I am so thankful.

Is there any advice you would like to share with the single women here at church? Is there anything that you wish we knew or truly understood? What about the married women? Is there one piece of advice you would like to give them?

The one piece of advice that I would give anyone is to follow the Lord with all of your heart. Do not compromise your relationship with Him. There is nothing more valuable or sounder. As you do this, you will know and understand how to walk as a single or married person.

Can you share with us some tips about how to be more resourceful? What are some practical things that you do to make the most of what you have?

I think not getting upset over spilt milk helps me to be resourceful. When something does not turn out the way I expected, I try to make the most of the situation. For example, (this is a very minor example, but it gets the point across): If I bake a cake and it does not turn out, I turn it into a parfait. It tastes the same, but looks different. Getting upset and frustrated about things causes us not to use our creativity and become very frustrated. The thought has to be “How do I make the most of what I have”. The Lord will show you what to do when you don’t get frustrated. Center 31 has different tips for everyday life that could help you.

In Genesis chapter 2....when Eve was talking to the serpent, where was Adam?

Next to her.

What does it look like after you make a mistake and have to get back up?

To me it looks good, because I believe one of the keys to having longevity in our walk with God is to get back up. Everyone falls, but all do not get back up. As you grow, the time between when the fall occurs and when you get back up gets shorter, just like it does for a baby that is learning to walk. The difference between us and the baby is that we are always learning to walk in different areas of our live. You could even liken it to a skater. When they first begin they fall a lot, but as they practice they get better and better. They have less falls, but they never stop falling completely.

I am in my 30s and still single. When get asked out by guys in the world it is harder to say no than it used to be in my 20s. How do I keep from compromise?

That is not uncommon. The thoughts bombard us that we will never get married, so anyone who comes along that looks like a decent suitor, we give in to. The problem is that we don’t realize that getting married to someone not walking with God will be far worse than never being married. It is hard for us to believe. We fantasize that it will be different for us. To keep from compromising, we must do the same thing any time a test comes our way. It is through meditation on God’s Word, prayer, spending time with godly people, going to church, getting involved, reaching out to others, serving…..When I am put in a position to compromise, I talk to myself and tell myself not to do it and focus on what God has done for me. The more thankful I am, the less I give in to compromise. It is work, but anything in life that is worth having requires a lot of work and maintenance. We do not realize that we talk ourselves into compromising and we must talk ourselves out of compromising.

What's the difference between being real, giving into your flesh, and being too spiritual?

I think many people deny reality. They act as if it does not exist. Here is an example: Pastor Robb asked a group of young, single women how they felt about being single in an email. (He was preparing for a sermon and needed some input.) Their responses came back very spiritual. It was funny. They all acted like they were fine and did not have to deal with the negative side of being single. He emailed them all back and asked for “real” responses. The truth came out. Most expressed that they really wanted to get married. They wished they had someone to hug them. A girl who had sex before shared how she wanted to have sex. These were real responses, but each young lady was choosing to not give in to her flesh through meditation on the Word of God, godly friends, etc. Their first responses were too spiritual. They acted as thought they did not have thoughts or desires. They were honest in their second response. First, a person should be honest with themselves; then they have to choose to allow God’s Word to keep them on the right path so they do not give in to their flesh.

How are you certain you have found your life partner?

I do not know if you can be absolutely certain, but I believe you will have a knowing and a peace from Holy Spirit; the authority in your life will have a peace about it too.

God made us help mate. How is it that we can have a "ministry" if husband is physical and I am academic and love to read and study, sing? …..Nothing in common.

Robb and I do not have a lot in common, but our biggest commonality is our desire for God and his word. You will find that your differences will complement one another, when you decide not to argue about them and to adjust. Try to do some things your husband enjoys doing. Take an interest in what he is interested in. This will help a lot.

What's the balance or difference between encouraging someone with scripture & being too spiritual?

To me it would be when you do not make the scriptures practical. You do not just throw scriptures around or blast people with them. We need to allow kindness to rule when we minister to people. We also need to discover where a person is at spiritually and meet them there…find where they latch on their faith.

How can I build my trust in others (but still know who to trust and who not to)? I feel like I mistrust people, even friends, more than I should.

You probably mistrust people because of something someone did to you in the past that you trusted. You cannot allow others to be treated wrongly because of what someone else did to you. Never let the people of your present pay for the people of your past.

I have been in that situation before. I mistrusted others because of some I trusted that ended up stabbing us in the back. God dealt with me through His Word about it. For quite a while I attempted to trust in my own strength. It didn’t work. I kept failing. I was unkind. I even went to the Lord about it and would try to repent. When I was honest with myself I did not really repent, because if I had I would have had some success. Finally, 1 John 4:20 came to my mind…..If I can’t love my brother who I can see, how can I say I love God who I cannot see. I kept telling myself that. The more I meditated on it, the more I began to trust and be kind to people I had a difficult time trusting. 1 Corinthians 13:7 says that “love trusts”. When I am unable to trust, then I am not loving God. It took some time. You have to forgive whoever caused you to lose trust and change your thinking toward others by meditating on God and His love.

Please define self-righteousness.

Self-righteousness is when we trust in what we do more than we trust in the work of the cross in our lives. Many Christians get saved (by faith) and try to walk out the rest of their Christianity by being good, doing good things, being obedient. They lose sight of the fact that if it were not for the cross, anything good that they do is like a menstrual rag (Is. 64:6). Righteousness only comes through faith in Christ and we are only good and have been made righteous because of believing in the work of the cross.

Another definition might be pride. When we rely on our righteousness, we are proud.

What if your mother is jealous of you developing a relationship with your mother-in-law?

If you can have a discussion with your mother, reassure her that no one can take her place. She is your mother and no one else can be. Explain that you love your mother-in-law and respect her because she is the mother of your husband. It is important for you and for your relationship with husband to have a good relationship with your mother-in-law. I think that oftentimes, daughters and/or mothers feel disloyal if they develop a relationship with their in-laws. Your mom is probably a little insecure and jealous. Be sure to contact her regularly and do thoughtful things for her, even if you are unable to have a discussion with her.

If you know someone is thinking about having an abortion, how do you tell them nicely that it’s wrong?

Ask her why she is thinking of having the abortion and take it from there. Do not be judgmental. Approach her compassionately, letting her know you love her. Explain the repercussions to her. Most woman deal with the guilt of it for the rest of their lives, whether Christian or non-Christian. Be sure she knows the facts. Of course, explain that she can deliver the baby and give it up for adoption. Because of her giving, whether she keeps the baby or gives it up for adoption, God will make all grace and every earthly blessing abound to her account (1 Cor. 9:6-9).

As a young adult, is it ok to make the decision now to move to another state to build a career in life?

To answer this best, I would have to talk to you and ask some questions. There are different variables that would change the answer such as: your attitude and why you are doing it. You may want to discuss it with your parents first. God has placed something in them to help be a guide, especially if you are still living at home.

How can you be balanced when your husband only wants to cause turmoil?

I would be happy to talk to you in private about this. I need more facts in order to answer you. Please contact me.

How ca you stand strong without going the wrong way?

The only way is to look to the finished work of the cross and cling to God and His word. Psalms and Proverbs have some good scriptures to help. Ps. 119:9, 11 – “How can a young man stay pure? By obeying your word and following its rules….I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you.” Ephesians 6 tells us to stand our ground by putting on the armor of God. Colossians 1:23 tells us to stand firmly in the truth of God’s Word.

What should you do to get out of a cult?

The best thing to do to get out of a cult is just to leave it. If you are having difficulty doing that, seek help. Begin to talk to a professional counselor or someone you trust about leaving. They can help you with the steps you need to take and be there for you to be a support and to help during the deprogramming process.

How do you avoid boys?

I don’t think you should avoid boys unless there is one you do not want to be around or that is bothering you. If that is the case, be nice by acknowledging them, but do not stay around. If he continues to pursue you, let him know nicely that you are not interested. If it seems he is stalking you, get some help and have a man talk to him about it.

In the Old Testament God command his people not to get any markings or tattoos... Does this apply to all of us believers today? I told my kids they are not allowed to get tattoos.

If your children are living at home, they should not get a tattoo because those are your rules. The Old Testament has many laws that we do not follow today. God has reasons why He did not want us to do certain things, for example the dietary laws, but we do not embrace them today. He had the dietary laws because those foods are not the best for us, but do you eat pork, shrimp, lobster, crab, to name a few?. I am sure He had reasons why not to get a tattoo. You and I could come up with a number of reasons why your children should not get them. I would just tell them your reasons why you do not want them to have a tattoo while they are living with you and leave it at that.

I have seen children hit & bit other children as young as 1 year old. Is this a spiritual going on & what can be done to protect the innocent child?

No, it’s not spiritual. It’s discovery. It’s learning. Parents and caretakers have to keep their eyes on the child who is doing the biting, discipline the child and lovingly teach him/her what the teeth are for.

How do you deal w/a good friend that is hurting?

It depends on what she is hurting about. Be compassionate. Do not judge her and patiently help her get back up with God’s word.

How to tell a boy no?

Say “NO” politely and make sure your actions line up with your words.

When do you know for sure you are doing what God has called you to do?

When it lines up with God’s Word.

How do you respond to a husband that brings bible verses that say a woman's glory is her hair to back up his reason for not wanting his wife to cut her hair?

Say, “Honey, if you want my hair to be long, I’ll be happy to wear it long.” What do you say to a husband bringing Bible verses that say women should be quiet in church and should not be pastors or preach or teach when other men are present? I recommend reading Kenneth Hagin’s book The Woman Question”. It will answer these questions.

How do I grow in confidence to speak up for myself?

You grow in confidence as you grow in knowing who you are in Christ.

Are you a part of a cult if you belong to the Masons or Eastern Star?

From what I know, “Yes”.

Is it wrong that I've made it a point not to become the stereotype "church girl"?

What is the stereotype “church girl”? Our basis for how we act should be God’s Word, not what someone else looks or acts like. You may want to check yourself to see if you are dealing with jealousy, rebellion or low self-esteem. When I have thoughts of not wanting to be a certain way, that’s what I do. Also, living for God does not mean you have to look just like someone else. Be who you are and live for God by adhering to His Word. Do what you do to please Him. Remember, you have to answer to God for you, not anyone else.